well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
