Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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