If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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