I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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