Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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