Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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