I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
