i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
