three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
