I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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