I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
