I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
where are you?
Hypothermia
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
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