Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
