i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I want her autograph on my taint
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
tell me about the fingering
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