i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
