Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
