i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
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Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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