I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
