You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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