Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
