Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
