He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
