new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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