Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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