So drunk its hurt
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
