there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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