I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
