theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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