There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
