I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
