i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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