They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
