mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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