Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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