I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
