Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
