he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
