beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
