Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
