the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
