yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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