There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
