well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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