Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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