eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
How naked do you want me to be?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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