I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
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drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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