I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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