they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
