U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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