I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
