Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
