I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think my moral compass just broke
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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