i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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