He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
