That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
there is glitter all over my balls
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
