I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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